RETAIL BLUES 


     If you ever worked retail you know people are strange.
Even the normal ones are weird.  You try not to judge, but you
judge.  Oh lord you judge.

     A couple and their young daughter came up to the counter.
The three of them were dressed in UofM garb.  Everything maize
and blue.  One look and you knew that none of them had ever set
foot on a college campus.  Probably the only reading material in
their house was TV Guide.  Walmart UofMers.  Like the song
says--”Leaders and best.”

     The man wore large ill-fitting dentures that whistled when
he spoke.  This made the child laugh.  Both parents glared at her.

     He looked at his wife and said “Her and me got bad backs.”
“Bad backs bad backs.”  The child said.  “Shut up Daniel-e.”  
The mom said.  Apparently, a variation in pronunciation.  “Sos
the doctor said we gotta get lumber pillows.”  I pictured them
leaning back on lumber blocks.  “Lumbar pillows?”  I asked.
“Yeah, lumber pillows.”

     I led them to a display of pillows—neck pillows, full body
pillows, pregnancy pillows, you name it.  On one side of the
display were mounted foam lumbar pillows.  I handed one to the
man and he squeezed it.  “Why” he asked, “call them lumber
pillows if they are foam?”  I smiled, “Well they are made to
support the lumbar region of your back.”  He nodded, “I know we
got a spine, but I never knew we had lumbers.”  I bit my lip so
hard I was afraid it would spurt blood.

     “Try it out.”  I said, handing him a pillow and pointing to
a chair.  “It’s not comfortable.”  He complained.  “You need to
turn it—it's upside down.”  I said.  “Ah yes, that’s better.  Try
it.”  He said to his wife.  “Yeah ok, feels good.”  she told him.
“We’ll take two.”  When I told them the price, they decided to
only buy one and to take turns sitting.

     As I prepared to ring up the sale they began to whisper.
“Sorry.”  the man said.  “We decided we gotta shop around.”
They turned to walk away, and I overheard them “I don’t think she
knows what she is talking about.  She keeps calling them lumbar
pillows not lumber pillows.  Is she talking all fancy-dancy or is
she trying to sell us the wrong thing?  Costs too much to make a
mistake.  Gotta get what’s right for a bad back.”  “Bad back bad
back bad back.”  the girl sang.  “Shut up.”  The mom said shaking
the child.  Like the song says, I thought, “Leaders and best.”